If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
