I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
Randomize
