If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
