It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
