I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
