so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
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