if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
