I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
