We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
