I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
