I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
