Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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