I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
