I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
