Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
