I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
