Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
