Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
