every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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