Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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