I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
