I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
