3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
