yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Randomize
