Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Randomize
