I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
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