Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
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