I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Randomize
