I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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