You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
