Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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