he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
