If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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