Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
