dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
How's work?
Spinning.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
