Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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