Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
my being single is dangerous.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
He better not be in your backpack
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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