Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
