Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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