why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
