Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
