the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
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