Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I lost the right to judge tonight
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
