i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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