new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Even my vagina gasped.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
