God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
