Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
