someone owes me an orgasm
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
