I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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