I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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