people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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