Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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