How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Randomize