turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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