my phone needs a breathalizer
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
