Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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