Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
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Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
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The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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