Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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