Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
