Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
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