hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
